July 3 – This is the longest it has ever been
between journal entries! Last one was June 16! So much has been going
on. Granddaughter Chloe just left this afternoon after a whirlwind week
of being totally spoiled! She is seven and she just loved it! I fed her
fudge in the Jacuzzi this morning as she was having her last bath here
before returning to Texas and reality! Am I a Spoil Them Rotten Gramma
or what! I am tired but just a good ole’ normal kind of tired.
On June 18th I left to teach in Maryland, had a ball, they were a great
group. Came home on the 21st and Chloe arrived on the 26th. I had my last
two counseling sessions with the cancer counselor on the 23rd and the
28th. They only go for a period of six weeks. The counselor suggested
I continue seeing someone on a regular basis for a while only because
she felt I was really beginning to look clearly at a lot of things in
my life instead of tucking them away and “just not thinking about
them” which has been my modis operendi for most of the unpleasant
things that have ever happened in my life. The dratted breast cancer would
not stay tucked away, however, and it is hard to let that out and keep
the other stuff tucked away. I am totally swamped for the next couple
of weeks (must catch up a week’s worth of work, do the coming week’s
which involves a couple of magazine article deadlines and preparing for
a double booth at a painting convention, my sister Tina arrives from New
York on the 13th to help me with the convention on the 16-18 and then
she leaves on the 19th) so I will give the new counselor a call and at
least go to one session. The one I am going to call is a breast cancer
survivor herself so she would certainly have a good understanding of how
I feel! I told “K” that I am not sure I wouldn’t just
rather get on with things instead of delving deeper at this point. Told
her I am not sure I want to know the “real me”, maybe I wouldn’t
like her very much!!!!!!!!!!!!
I read something in a magazine this morning that another artist wrote
about herself and I cut it out and pasted it where I could see it all
the time. She said she had decided to not do so many things that required
deadlines and got back to painting and drawing which was why she decided
to become a professional artist in the first place and that she felt it
was the best thing she had ever done as it restored her soul and improved
her art. I am feeling more and more each day that I must make some changes
in my professional life to give me more time to be truly creative and
to learn more – I love to learn new things – to be able to
grow as an artist. I simply cannot waste this second chance at life.
I did dye my hair red and it is redder than before but I think I still
want to kick it up a notch! I look very much like I did as Sassy Simone!
Harold took a photo of Chloe and I at the airport this afternoon and I
think I will use it as the “Photo of the Week” so you can
see how much my hair has grown and how curly it is and to see my precious
Chloe!
I do have a couple of stories for you about Chloe that are just too funny.
By now you know that I am a bit of a “free spirit” and do
not worry too much about what other people think (well, for the most part!).
We picked Jen up to go to lunch on Monday and while at the restaurant
her friend Meg (actually, my friend, too) came in so we spoke a bit and
then Meg went outside to join the person she came in with and we took
Jen back to work. We had to pass the restaurant on the way back from dropping
Jen off so I rolled down my window and yelled “Hey Meg” out
the window. Chloe said “Gramma!” in a very shocked voice and
I turned to her only to find her way down in the seat so you couldn’t
even see the top of her head! She said “That was so embarrassing!
You are an adult and only kids do that!” Mind you she was dead serious!
Not being a smart aleck at all, just totally shocked at her Gramma’s
behavior! Poor child, she didn’t realize that we were also in a
big red car with fancy wheels, meant to be noticed and that her Gramma
also wore red sequin pasties to the doctor or she would have died of embarrassment
for sure! Then we went to Sea World on Thursday with Nurse Martha and
we sat in the splash zone for Shamu, the killer whale, and got just drenched
and she didn’t like that at all and Martha an I were just dying
of laughter! I know, getting drenched with icy cold, 52 degree, seawater
may not sound like fun but it was a riot! I think we will have to wait
a couple more years to tell her the real story about her Gramma!
I must tell you of our shopping trips. We were going to tea with my friend
Patte and Chloe needed some shoes to go with the outfit she brought with
her for the tea. A purple sari (a real one mind you, not a costume) trimmed
in gold with gold beads. Now what kind of shoes go with that? Well………we
found shoes with a clear top covered in rhinestones!!!!!! And a purple
purse to match with a rhinestone clasp! And a hot pink leather one with
zippers, chains and buckles (it called to us both from across the store!)!
Next big purchase was the outfit I got her at Sea world. You will see
it in the photo at the end of this journal entry. Purple, aqua, lavender
shiny material, purple feathers at the wrists and purple chiffon on the
sleeves and pant legs. A very practical outfit don’t you think?
Mind you, these clothes are for the child who was embarrassed when I yelled
out the car window! I was telling Jaime about our purchases and she asked
if they needed to send money to cover all these clothing purchases and
I hesitated for a moment and then told her “No………I
have a feeling when you see them you would not send me money for them
anyway!” Most definitely Gramma and granddaughter purchases! How
fun that was to indulge in pure unadulterated fancy! We spoiled her rotten
but she is a very smart young lady and I heard her answer her mother when
asked if she wanted to just live with us that “No, because I know
if I lived here everyday this is not how it would be.” She knew
it was all indulgence and only for visits at Gramma’s. This was
her first visit her all by herself and Jaime and Thad said that I had
set a very high bar with this first visit and it would be hard to top
next time (I actually fed her fudge once while she was in the Jacuzzi,
is that over the top???????). I said it would not be a problem, it is
easy to spoil someone for a week!
I feel just fine. Tired but full of energy as odd as that may sound.
Need a good nights sleep after Chloe’s visit and I will be “good
to go!” I don’t think I have any residual effects from the
chemo, they will keep checking on that as I continue my three month oncology
visits. Am planning on working out in my garden all day tomorrow, the
Fourth of July, (also my grandson Caleb’s birthday, he will be four!)
as I have a very full work week coming up. I think the worst is over with
the depression and anxiety attacks. I really feel it was a grieving time
for me for all that had happened and all of if finally burst out of the
little box I had tried to stick it into and tuck it away! Just identifying
it as grief was a relief and realizing it was normal was even better!
The only cloud on the horizon is another A1C test for diabetes to see
what is going on. This one is next Friday and is a month after the last
one. I have been trying to follow the things I learned from the dietician
but have not lost any weight. Depending on what the test reveals I may
see if there is a course on Nutrition I can sign up for and get a better
handle on all this. The one session was very good but there is a lot to
it and I need to really have some of that info hammered into my brain!
I must say that eating six times a day is a lot of work! Not sure this
is really practical for me and my lifestyle.
July 7 – Need to call my regular doctor today.
Nothing cancer related, thank heavens! I am having a bout of sciatica
down my left leg and I cannot lie down at all so have only managed to
get about two hours of sleep a night for the last three days. Even Tylenol
PM does absolutely nothing! I am okay do far, but I know I cannot get
by on two hours and those two hours are broken up into ½ hour segments
throughout the night. The rest of the time I am changing positions, moving
from room to room trying to find somewhere I can get comfortable! Do not
like this at all!!!!!!!!!! I am getting a good bit of work done as that
is the only thing that takes my mind off it and I am fairly comfortable
in my office/work table chairs as I bought ergonomic ones from Office
Max. I can even doze in them but then my neck hurts!!!!!!!!!! I do have
degenerative disc disease, just from normal aging, in my neck and back
so that contributes to this sciatica attack, too. My sister will be here
Tuesday to help me with the convention next week so I MUST get this over
with! Walking and standing are okay (except for the red hot burning sensation
down my butt and leg!) but I need some sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dragged out
all my exercises for my back from the last time I had this about a year
ago (I know, I should have been doing them all along!) but they are not
helping and even taking a muscle relaxer does absolutely nothing! I planned
on working every day this week with no interruptions as I am swamped but
life is getting in the way!
I have a story for all of you that is very important. I have been corresponding
with my high school friend from Vegas who is also a breast cancer survivor
of two years. She had a mastectomy and reconstruction. Well, she found
a lump went to the doctor and was told it was cancer again! She has just
gone through another surgery to remove two tumors and she just told me
I could tell her story as she felt it would be of benefit to others. It
has already made me aware and I will be having my doctors check these
areas, too. Turns out that it is not a reoccurrence but a couple of cells
from the first cancer that grew into tumors! It was because of where they
were that they were missed the first time around and she is waiting to
see the oncologist to see if she needs further treatment this time and
to ask why the chemo didn’t kill those cells off! This is what she
wrote;
“I was surprised at the news. I pretty much knew that it was cancer
again but I had hoped that it was something new that could just be removed
and no treatment needed. To find out that I still had some of my original
breast cancer that was just lurking around for two years stunned me. My
surgeon said that because the lymph nodes that were affected were up under
my clavicle bone was why they were missed. Evidently when they do a mastectomy
the surgeon goes under the arm looking for lymph nodes that may be involved,
not up so high. He did tell me that this is not nearly as serious as the
original episode and there is no evidence that it is anywhere else and
that he feels very confident that he got everything....so I have to believe
that this is so. I am recuperating very fast from this surgery but will,
of course, take it easy when returning to work. I must get back to work
so that I don't dwell on things. Please feel free to share my story with
your readers, especially those that have gone through breast cancer that
one should continue to check for lumps, even if you have implants. This
was something that I found and went in and had it checked out. They tell
me this is a rare occurrence but once is all it takes. I asked the chemo
question of my surgeon and he said that was puzzling. I will pose that
same question to my oncologist. When I went back to work after my first
episode with cancer, I did it to show myself that I could and that I wanted
it to be my decision and not let a disease force a decision on me, this
time I am just trying to keep busy. Tomorrow will be my first day back
and I am feeling pretty good today.” Her story shows that we must
be vigilant about any changes to our bodies. I thank her for allowing
me to share this with all of you.
Hair report: I am going to have to go and get a shaping cut soon! It
is roughly 3” long now (got out the ruler again!) but without all
my gels, I am beginning to look a bit scruffy. I really, really hate to
say this but it seems as it is growing out that it is not as curly as
it was! I really like the curls. I am hoping that it may be just relaxing
a bit with the weight of the longer hair.
Off this weekend to paint a lovely mirror design with the painting group
to which I belong. I haven’t just painted for the pure fun of it
in a very long time. Will be nice to be a student for a change! I am especially
looking forward to just being with all my friends there as I have not
been very active for the last few years due to work. They meet on the
weekends and I usually travel on the weekends sooooooooooooooo………………
I promised myself this time around to not let all these friendships falter
because of work!
July 8 – Well Geez Louise! I will warn you now
I am most definitely Whiney Whitney and Complaining Clara! I haven’t
slept more than seven hours, in bits and pieces for the last four days!
I did go to the doctor yesterday, he said he didn’t think it was
full blown sciatica but very close, prescribed a stronger anti-inflammatory
than the Celebrex I take on a regular basis and a stronger muscle relaxer
than the Skelaxin I have. He gave me another back exercise to add to my
list of exercises I have for my back. When I had the prescriptions filled
the pharmacist said, “Well you will be going nighty-night!”
I go there all the time, it is in my favorite grocery store, and know
them well. I said that was a very good thing as I really needed to sleep!
Do you think any of it made me sleepy?????? Not one iota. Did it take
away any of the pain? Again, not one iota. About 5 a.m I decided I must
have some sleep so dug out some of the Percocet from my last surgery.
At that point I didn’t even care about inter drug reactions, I just
wanted some sleep. Well, that stuff used to put me to sleep for hours
and also tamed the pain from surgery. Guess what I got this time? Forty-five
minutes of sleep, (sitting up mind you as lying prone is just not an option)
before the pain woke me back up! Lordy! Faxed the doctor this morning
with the wonderful news that after taking the muscle relaxer four times
and the anti-inflammatory twice I felt worse instead of better and now
the pain has traveled to my left calf, and still no sleep! I have to go
in for some lab work tomorrow and on Saturday (the day I was supposed
to paint all day for the fun of it!!!!!) I have to go get a lumbar MRI
– an open one, thank heavens. I had an MRI years ago and found out
just how claustrophobic I am!!!!!!!!! Now………I do not
have time for all this! My sister comes in Tuesday, the convention is
next weekend and I have a lot of things to do. I am still working, around
the clock actually, but since I am only working at about half speed I
am not really getting ahead!
It is now evening and I am dragging my leg around like it is made of
cement! I did fall asleep for a half an hour in my recliner after dinner
(darling Harold went out and got take-out for us, he did last night, too!)
and rested at my work table – I am fairly comfortable sitting in
my computer chair leaning forward – for about 15 minutes. Really
have no great hopes of sleeping tonight either. Now that is depressing!
However, I am coping very well mentally so that is good. Did have one
stray thought today wondering if it could possibly be cancer then got
hold of myself because I have had one other episode like this, although
not so severe and I didn’t have cancer then so am sure I do not
have it this time either. Stopped the exercises in case I am contributing
to whatever the problem is going on back there until I get the results
of the MRI. What a pain in the butt this is – literally! Trying
to think of something positive or clever to say but I am just too tired.
July 9 – 2:30 a.m. – Okay, I have had enough!
Last night I took two of the Percosets and got 2 ½ hours of sleep
(sitting at the table with a bunch of pillows for my head to rest on!)
and mild nausea for about 6 hours after that. Felt like about 3 days after
my chemo treatments. Oh yea. Not worth taking that again, I can tell you.
Was fuzzy minded, too, so have decided I would rather be awake and clear
headed with no nausea than get 2 ½ hours of sleep. Went for the
blood work today, results should be back Monday or Tuesday. That seems
a really long way off! The doctor is running complete testing because
of my “history.” Drank lots of water and squeezed that little
rubber ball for the whole day beforehand and the tech did very well getting
the blood out of my right arm. That really works so if you have trouble
having blood drawn for whatever reason try that. It is best if you drink
lots of water and squeeze that rubber ball for about three days before
the testing. Muddled through the day trying to nap whenever I felt the
least bit sleepy. Went to Wings, I’m fairly okay sitting up, and
got chicken stuck in my teeth so on the way to coffee Jen gave me apiece
of gum to chew and out came my tooth! Not just a cap mind you that I could
glue back in with Fixodent, but one that was pegged into my remaining
tooth! Decided not to go for coffee, I have had quite enough fun for one
day. Geez, geez, geez Louise! I do have an appointment on Monday morning
to see the dentist for a cleaning but now I guess we will see about the
stupid tooth! It doesn’t hurt at least. MRI tomorrow, hope I do
not have to lay in one position very long as that may not be possible.
Again, results probably Monday or Tuesday. My sister gets in Tuesday night
and of course, I am not ready for her or for the convention next weekend.
DOG has to go back to the vet on Wednesday to see if her bladder infection
is cleared up, I am really beginning to dislike July. Between me and the
dog this has not been a great month. You know I am usually in a more positive
mood but I must say no sleep and constant pain will do you right in. I
did not feel this bad with cancer for crying out loud! Well, on second
thought, maybe I did!
I believe I wrote that counselor K suggested I continue on with therapy
a while longer and gave me the names of some counselors and one is a breast
cancer survivor herself. I finally called her and am making plans to go
and see her. I have spoken with her a couple of times on the phone and
feel a real connection with her. She is out of network with my insurance
so they will only pay a portion but I feel the connection I felt is worth
it, at least or one session. If I don’t feel it was worth it, the
insurance company gave me the names of four counselors who are in network
so the cost would be much less. Guess I will just have to see.
By the way, did I mention that the end rack in my closet pulled away
form the wall and dumped everything off the shelf and of course, to fix
it, all the clothing had to come off and then be hung up again! I’m
telling you, I have had enough fun lately! I did find some things I could
live without though, seems it has be “a while” since I really
went through that stuff. I sent a box off to Chloe for dress-up that included
silk scarves, colored leather boots (green, yellow and hot pink!) and
silver shoes. Getting older makes me care for my feet better and since
anymore I mostly wear Birkenstocks, I figured the boots needed a new home.
I’m sure my daughter will be thrilled with that box!
It is now 3:00 a.m. and I am going to try for a nap. Wish me luck. New
persona – Sleepy Selina! Maybe Sleepless Selina would be more appropriate!
Photo of the Week: Sorry, cannot do the new “hair” look this
time, (next time I promise) I must do the follow up from last journal
update. Remember last time I bragged about my front “garden”
and specifically asked that you notice my gorgeous florals? Were you just
a tiny bit jealous on seeing my wonderful display? Well, it is true confession
time - they are fake!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m sorry for the trick (no I
am NOT!) but I cannot get anything to grow there, so years ago I started
“planting” different arrangements for the different seasons.
Store them in the garage attic in a bag, I do! I even won Yard of the
Month for our neighborhood a year or so ago! I did tell them that area
was “not quite real” and although they were a bit taken aback
they said the award was for the all-over look of the yard. I even got
to keep it for two months instead of one!
On that note, I shall sign off as I have to go for that dreaded MRI tomorrow
and hope to get a bit of rest as the nap thing did not work out.
As always,
Margot a.k.a. Perky Polly, keeper of the Perky Twins, Sleepy/Sleepless
Selina. Gramma, Whiney Whitney and Complaining Clara!
After reading through the updates, if you have any questions please email
me