June 3 – Home finally! I got in Sunday night, unpacked
one set of suitcases on Monday, repacked another and left on Tuesday to
teach again. Classes were great and I stayed in a fantastic condo right
on the Atlantic Ocean! I know, it is a tough job but someone has to do it!
The Phoenix Convention was fantastic! I did hear that some vendors were
very slow but in our Magic Metallics booth we sold out of product!!!!!!!!!!!!
There were three of us in the booth and we worked our tails off ( well,
mine still seems to be there but it felt like I worked it off!) but we
were a huge hit! I have also been invited to teach metal techniques to
the staff of one of the leaders in our industry in the area of Faux finishing!
His company decorates castles in Europe!!!!!!!!!! This may be the most
gratifying compliment I have ever been paid artistically. Nice feeling!
I was tired at the convention but I did it all and came home and went
off and did it again! Physically, I believe I am fine (except I have to
go in for an AC1 hemoglobin test next week because my glucose levels are
too high – I am afraid of diabetes as it does run in my family)
and feel my stamina is very good. If I can just get my mind in order again
I will be a very happy person.
I am very sad, too. A very dear friend has just been diagnosed with breast
cancer. She is the first person close to me to be diagnosed after me.
My heart felt like it cracked when I read her email. Please give and extra
prayer for her – “J”, and, also for “M”
whom I have heard is not doing well and for my friend “L”
who is really going through some rough times.
To top it all off our darling dog “D.O.G.” who is thirteen
has just been diagnosed with epilepsy or a possible brain tumor! She has
been with us since she was a puppy and to see her have a seizure was traumatic!
She has to take Phenobarbital twice a day for the rest of her life! She
takes medication very well so that is not a problem, it was just the look
in her eyes when she was having the seizure that was heart wrenching.
The medication will keep the seizures at bay, hopefully.
I am going to embrace the following Flavia quote: “Faith in the
human spirit brings peace to the heart….this is the place where
miracles begin.”
June 4 – I saw the counselor today and decided
to write here some of what we spoke about. Not everything, mind you, some
things are private even for me! It gets easier to talk about how I feel
with each session. I told her that I realized that my feeling of spiraling
downward out of control was actually turning inward, like I was trying
to get my life inside a nice, neat bubble that just contained my house
and garden. My big question today was how do I trust my own mind. After
reading over my entries from the first session and all my “truths,”
it seems that I do not think those are truths at all! She told me that
was actually okay and that I should track my truths for two weeks to see
if I see a pattern there. She also told me that most every cancer patient
has to deal with the sense of “loss” and that the “loss”
can be very different with each person but that every patient has a “loss”
with cancer and that you have to comes to terms with that loss. Some of
my truth’s today were - that I don’t like feeling I don’t
know my own mind, that I like talking to a counselor, that I do feel sorry
for myself and that I just might be grieving for what I have had to go
through and the “me” I left behind, that I still don’t
exactly know what I want to do about future work, that I may never know
what I want to do about future work – still don’t know what
I want to be when I grow up, that I am worried about being diagnosed with
diabetes after next Wednesday’s test and if I am how I will feel
since it is something I could have controlled. I also realized today what
I don’t like about my current hair – I look a great deal like
my mother – hard looking and tough. Not exactly the image I want
to project. It will be interesting to see if I can write my “truth’s”
each day and if I can, what comes of it. My purpose here is to be as honest
as I can in this journal and that maybe by admitting I needed to talk
to someone about how I feel that maybe someone out there reading these
journals will be encouraged to seek help, also. I feel relieved to be
able to say to myself that all I went through was totally crappy and that
I feel very sorry for myself and that it is okay that I say it out loud
and not try to keep it to myself as if I am a weak person for admitting
that particular “truth!” I am going to go to at least one
support group meeting and see if I “fit” in. The Flavia quote
for today is: “The discovery of a kindred soul is one of life’s
finest treasures.” Appropriate, don’t you think? I have not
done this as yet, I have only spoken to people through my journals and
through emails and to people about breast cancer but I have not spoken
with a group, face to face, that has gone through all this as recently
as I have. It will be ………..interesting. I am used to
leading the group (as when I teach or speak) – not being an active
participant!
I am also going to see a dietician to see if I can get a handle on the
weight loss thing. I have gained a few pounds and that is stressful, as
I know, intellectually, that I am eating emotionally but cannot seem to
control it. That, by the way, was one of the “classic” symptoms
of depression that Dr. M saw when he decided I needed to talk to someone.
I know, intellectually, that if I weighed less I could control my high
blood pressure, cholesterol and arthritis better and avoid diabetes so
what is my problem????????? I need to get away from the fad diets and
get on track with a lifetime eating pattern. I truly do not care about
being thin – have never been thin in my entire life so do not expect
that – just need to get to a healthy weight. I do not want to beat
breast cancer to then die of a stroke from high blood pressure, diabetes
or high cholesterol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why is Vain Vanessa not prodding
me, also! Where is she when I need her?
I told her my three areas of concern were my professional life, my health
and my weight as it affects my health with vanity being secondary. I also
am going to think of what I am doing in any given situation as “is
this helping or hurting “ me in some way. I like the way that was
put to me instead of something being “good or bad.”
Well, aren’t I just Cheerful Cheri this time! Can’t be helped,
I must write how I really feel in these journals or they are useless.
On to something a bit more cheerful for real! Lots of hair and still
very curly. I colored my hair to Boring Brown Betty on May 15 and I now
have roots that are ¼”!!!!!!! Cross my heart and hope to
die, stick a needle in my eye if I lie! I will be looking for a new color
next week before I have to leave to teach in Maryland on the 17th. No
one has written with suggestions for my new “??????? Redheaded Rita”
look! I will be happier when I have more hair around my face and on the
crown area. But……….I am truly just happy I have hair
at all! Harold mentioned today he hasn’t seen the cat fur on my
face in a while. He thinks that when that went away the growth must have
speeded up on my head!
Well, I have rambled enough for one day. Ah ha! A new persona –
Rambling Randi!
I must tell you all that I did warn the counselor that if she read my
journals and saw all my various personas to realize that I knew I was
really only one person and that I did not suffer from multiple personality
disorder!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
June 6 – Slept most of the afternoon yesterday
and went to bed late and slept in until 9 a.m. Needed that rest after
my whirlwind two weeks. Gardened all day today so am back! My mind seemed
quiet today no ups and downs just thinking about gardening and the work
I need to accomplish this week. Pretty normal stuff – thank heavens!
Read something last night that may have a profound impact on my future
work and lifestyle. A woman CEO wrote about how she spends her valuable
time – something no one has enough of – she said you can fill
24 hours a day doing things that other people want you to do and never
get everything done so how you choose to spend your time is a really important
decision and that someone would always be disappointed that you didn’t
do what they wanted that it was okay for that to happen. The counselor
actually addressed something like that when she suggested I write down
all the things I am supposed to do (things I normally do to make a living)
and really assess each one as to its value – both monetary and emotionally.
If I really don’t like a particular thing then get rid of it instead
of stressing over trying to get it done.
Another coping mechanism we came up with was that when I get a destructive
thought or one that I can’t decide is true or not, to treat it as
a “hot flash” (that was my idea!) and let it be there but
know it would fade away. It may come back but it will leave again. Not
quite sure I actually understand how this is beneficial but I will try
it.
If I have said this already bear with me while I say it again –
I am so very lucky to have a doctor that cares about his patients. Dr.
M could have just let me leave his office after telling me he would like
me to talk to someone and let it be my responsibility to follow through
but instead he made sure I saw someone before I left his office and for
that I will be forever grateful to him. I am feeling much more at peace
that I have in a long while. I really did feel fine and thought I was
just having some problems getting my hormones back in order so am glad
he was on the lookout for signs of depression and anxiety. Have not had
any of those dreadful “nostril flaring” episodes since! Still
a bit weepy on occasion but knowing it is “normal” for me
to be feeling that way and grieving for all that has happened and admitting
to myself that I feel sorry for myself and that it is okay to feel that
way – not all the time, mind you, but the thoughts do creep in now
and again. Maybe that is the “hot flash” therapy my counselor
was talking about!
I would certainly encourage anyone who is not feeling “quite themselves”
for any reason to seek help. I never would have done it on my own so please
let my experience show you that it is okay for someone to help you through
the hard times and is not a sign of weakness or that you are not a strong
person to need some help.
June 8 – Well, I am angry. Not sure just at what,
but I am angry! I went to my first support group tonight and am not sure
just how I feel about it. They said they hoped it had helped and I told
them I didn’t know, that I would have to think about it. Someone
else spoke up and agreed. They had a speaker that is an eleven year survivor
and she was very nice, but………….. she said a couple
of things that really got under my skin. The main one was that we would
have to summon up courage to get through these times of rebuilding our
lives after cancer. On the surface that is a nice statement but what the
%$#@$% does she think got us all this far? I didn’t like the inference
that up until now none of us had shown courage!!!!!!!!! I’m sure
she didn’t mean it that way, but that is how it came across. The
other was that we would all have to have a mourning period for our lost
breasts and do the proper grieving. Up went the hand again! I said in
no uncertain terms that I would never mourn the loss of my breasts as
- number one, one of them was trying to kill me, number two, my personality
and worth as a woman is certainly not based on my breasts of lack of,
number three, I got better ones anyway – with warranty cards no
less! I am grieving for many things though, like loss of innocence meaning
that no longer is “life” the sure thing it felt like “before.”
The loss of control of a lot of things (and I do like control!), the loss
of some of my independence (independence is very important to me), the
fact that I will always be a cancer patient, those are a few of the things
I expect this grieving period is for, but certainly not for lost body
parts. Years ago I had an accident that almost cost me the use of my little
finger on my right hand. I am a right-handed artist and I can tell you
I would have had major grieving over that as it would directly affect
my ongoing quality of life and profession – boobs? – not even
in the same category. The group leader used the word “unique”
quite a few times when referring to our positions as a category of people
who are recovering from the whole cancer thing and one lady said to him
that she disliked the word “unique” being used to describe
us as a group because to her that word implied something special and she
certainly did not feel special! I said there way to many of us in the
world who have it or are recovering form it to be termed unique. He was
very good and did not take offense just guided our talking. At the end
he said he was glad we were angry as that is a very positive response
to what has happened to us. I told him I didn’t quite know what
I was angry at specifically and he said “Guess what the first stage
of grieving is? Anger.” Well, I was taken aback to say the least!
I’m sure I knew that somewhere in my mind but had never thought
of it. There was also another woman from another hospital there observing
and we spoke afterwards and guess what – she had read the journals!
That was a nice feeling. Even with my outbursts the group leader asked
if he might call on me sometime to speak to a group. Of course, I said
yes, as all this is very important to me.
About the anger – I feel that some of it is external. I am so angry
that so many women (and men, too) have breast cancer or have had or will
get it. I am angry that I had to go through all that. I am angry that
cancer in any form exists. I am angry when I hear that someone is newly
diagnosed. I am angry that I feel so muddled in my thinking. I am angry
that I have to go into buildings that say Cancer Institutes or Cancer
Centers. I am angry that I need to talk to someone about my problems because
that goes along with being angry that I didn’t and don’t have
control over my destiny because of this crappy disease. I am angry that
I feel this anger!!!!!!!!! Angry Angela has just reared her ugly head!
Hopefully, she will not stay too long. She is not such hot company! The
good thing about this whole paragraph is that it is all a normal reaction
to what has happened to me and it was good to hear that but at the same
time I don’t want this to be normal for me.
Something that was very nice happened though, I was talking to the group
leader afterwards and he asked if that was my “chemo hair”
and I said that it was and he said, “It is gorgeous!” Compliments
will get you everywhere with me so this guy is now a friend for life!
Of course, he is used to seeing a lot of bald women! An observation here,
I did not like being in a room with three out of four of the women with
chemo hair, me being one of them. I don’t care how “cute”
it looks or how easy it is to care for (someone else’s statement
in the room, not mine as my ‘chemo hair” requires vast quantities
of Mega Gel to behave!) it is still chemo hair and I don’t want
it. Who knows this may become a new trend and women will go to the hairdresser
and ask for the Chemo Cut! To me they would all look like they just finished
treatment for cancer! I just got the ruler out and measured it and it
is 1 ¾”- 2 ½” inches long now! I measured in
different places and apparantly it is not growing in evenly. Picture that
will you, me with the ruler sticking out of my head as I measured my hair!
It is nice and curly (do love that part I can tell you!) so looks shorter.
I can actually make a baby ponytail at the back! I probably should consider
trimming it but I just can’t cut any of it off just yet now that
I finally have some hair! The guest speaker mentioned also that the hardest
part of her whole experience was losing her hair. It is amazing since
that is the only thing that didn’t have physical pain – just
a huge amount of emotional pain, which sometimes can be worse than physically
hurting.
June 9 – Lucky me – not only was Angry Angela
in residence last night but then Weepy Wanda came to visit, too! After
a while I told her to get a grip and she left in a huff!
Harold and I have a “date” this morning to go have blood
work done at the doctor’s office. Oh yea! His is for cholesterol
and mine is because of the high glucose count from the last bloodwork.
I have been a very good girl this past week about avoiding sugar or an
excess of starches that turn to sugar but I believe the test tracks about
three months and my one week will probably not make a big difference.
Put the fear into me though!
June 12 – A lot of days between my last posting.
Good news is that I am right on the line for the sugar test. Six is max
and there I am! So I am not critical yet but very high and if I can control
my diet I should be okay for diabetes at least for now. The doctor was
very pleased that I have an appointment with a nutritionist this Thursday.
Do NOT want to have to deal with that problem for the rest of my life,
I have enough to worry about thank you very much! I have already begun
a new, healthier approach and have lost a couple of pounds so that is
a nice feeling. Not looking for thin, I have never been thin in my entire
life so why would I expect that miracle to happen now? Just want to get
to a healthy weight for all my various ailments. Also, this is a good
time to throw this fact in – I read in Prevention magazine that
overweight women who lost 20 or more pounds cut breast cancer risk by
21% - not the first time I have read that or the first time I have posted
that info either. Just a gentle reminder!
I saw my counselor on Thursday, very good talk and I am beginning to
feel not quite so muddled although my poor brain is still swirling around
causing me a bit of distress. No “nose flaring episodes” since
I started talking to someone though! Depression hanging around but not
severe and since the anxiety has tamed down I don’t feel as jittery.
Very good things, indeed.
I have been very long winded this time, I never expected when I began
this journey that at this point I would have anything much to write about.
I have learned that it is only recently that special emphasis has been
placed on post treatment issues. I figured it was all uphill after surgeries
and chemo were done. All this emotional stuff has been quite unexpected
and depressing (probably why I have mild depression – what do you
think?).
More good news, my newly diagnosed friend has had all her body scans
and the only place where there is cancer is in her left breast, which
is the original location, and she only needs a lumpectomy and radiation
they believe. It is still very serious and she has a long journey ahead
of her but that is all very good news to a person after they hear the
dreaded diagnosis. Caring thoughts and prayers work wonders on the heart
and soul.
Okay, photo of the week is – patio again but a different view,
off to the left looking out the kitchen door. I will have to come up with
some new photos, as this is the last in the garden series, at least in
the back. This was taken in the Spring, so I will have to see if anything
has changed significantly out there. I have been planting and really digging
in the dirt and loving every minute of it so I must have made progress!
I really must take a new photo when I have my “red” hair,
too! Click on the picture for a larger view.
Life is good!
Until next time,
Margot a.k.a. (still Perky Polly, of course) Vain Vanessa, Cheerful Cheri,
Boring Brown Betty, Rambling Randi, Angry Angela and lastly ole’
Weepy Wanda (she is quite the hanger-on, isn’t she, be glad when
she gets bored and goes home)
After reading through the updates, if you have any questions please email
me