Let's start with a great Flavia quote - "Hope is that one single star
we can always find in a dark and cloudy sky." Can certainly relate to
that one!
March 6 - What a wonderful day! Went to my painting chapter's
meeting as Sophisticated Sophia, I was Sassy Simone the last time, and
was again so pleased to be back among so many dear friends. Am feeling
a bit swamped with work but did sign up to help paint a huge (almost life-sized!)
cow that will be auctioned off at the Cattle Baron's Ball in a couple
of months. The proceeds go towards cancer research so how could I not
help with that one! I believe they said it was the fourth year they had
been asked to paint a cow. They are painting a barnyard scene on the cow
so someone will probably have to teach me how to paint chickens! Unless
they let me paint the flower garden!
Then - my promised day at the local fantastic nursery. I had promised
myself that the first weekend in March I would take all my gift certificates
and flower donations and go to buy new plants for my beloved garden. That
was my big treat for undergoing the last seven months. I was in heaven
wandering amongst all the wonderful selections available there. They sell
plants you see in Southern Living and other gardening magazines so I can
always find unusual plants. I reveled in the knowledge I could take my
time to plant all these things, not be in any pain, have enough energy
to finish what I start, not have to try to cram it into a couple of "good
days" and best of all to be alive to enjoy doing it! Haven't been
able to think like that for seven months! This was an important day to
me as it marks what I consider to be the ending of the "bad stuff."
Hair growing in is tiresome with the waiting and the nipple reconstruction
doesn't faze me at all so I am feeling everyday more like Normal Norma!
I believe the nipple reconstruction doesn't bother me because some years
ago I had elective eyelid surgery and I feel this is in the same category
- making body parts look nicer! The nipple reconstruction will hurt some,
my eyes didn't - cross my heart - I looked a bit odd for about a week
though after I had my eyes done. Had the upper and lower lids done and
he sewed me back together with blue thread. Looked nice against the yellow
bruising! I kept thinking, what if the thread breaks? Are my eyelids going
to fall off? They were only connected with the rest of my face in two
very small areas per incision! In ten days I was wearing makeup again
and looked great. Had it done not to look younger - who cares - I am 56
and proud of it - but because I looked exhausted but felt just fine. My
dad had these huge baggy areas under his eyes so I knew what the future
held! My eyes are just about my only great attribute next to my hair and
we all know I am a bit vain, so I told the plastic surgeon (not Dr. J,
didn't know him then) I just wanted to not look so tired, not to make
me look like I had young eyes in an older face so I still have some wrinkles
around my eyes. So anyway, that is why the nipple reconstruction and possible
tattooing do not bother me. Maybe, too, it is because you really don't
have to have those procedures (nipples, areolas and tattooing) to look
okay, unless you are nekkid. Do you all know the difference between the
words naked and nekkid? Naked pertains to the human body in general and
to statues, etc. Nekkid on the other hand, means you are up to "funny
business!" Just thought I'd throw that bit of useless trivia your
way!
Speaking of funny stuff, I have a reader who is following behind me in
my various surgeries and she is just about to have her implant surgery.
She named her expanders, too, Betty and Bob Boob. She is thinking of naming
the new implants "Betty and Bob D. Vice" since I wrote that
they are not really breasts or boobs, but devices (with their own warranty
cards!). She says that then they will be her only vices! I got a real
kick out of that one!
Was going to garden this afternoon but placed the plants instead and
came in to draw. That is what I felt like doing so that is what I did.
I will actually plant things tomorrow. The truth be told, I was also a
bit tired. It was very hot at the nursery and I was there for about two
hours.
Did I tell you all about this design? If so, forgive me for telling you
again, if not - here goes! I have this wonderful box (I adore painting
boxes, they are so useful!) that one of the wood companies sent me to
paint on, two tiers high with beautifully shaped sides. I decided I needed
a prayer box since I have begun this journey and been involved in many
other stories of people on their own journeys. I cannot remember everyone
when I pray, there are soooooooooo many people that need prayers, so I
decided to place their name and what their prayer was for in the top tier.
Then I can pray for all my urgent people and not forget anyone! I needed
a two tier box because the top tier is where the prayers start out. After
a month or so I can look them over and then if the person is well the
can go in the bottom tier to still be prayed for but as a thank you prayer
instead of an urgent prayer. I decided it needed to be serene and beautiful
so the design is for morning glories in various stages of the blooms being
open winding their way around this box until they end up as just buds
on the lid. I am thinking of soft blue with a soft purple one tinged with
pink thrown in now and then for accent. The boxes have nice routed areas
that separate them so I will do gold leafing there and then add fancy
feet and a brass knob on the top. I have been inspired! I will show photos
when it is done but don't hold your breath - I take forever when working
on my own stuff. No deadline!
This is a long one, I am Chatty Cathy today! I decided to talk a bit
about the Twins. I have ignored them lately since they have been behaving
so well! I am very pleased with how they are looking after the swelling
has gone down except for two areas. Remember I told you they left extra
skin after the mastectomies? Now when I relax or bend way over I have
two little pouchy areas that deflate! Place your index and middle fingers
touching in the center between your breasts and cup your breasts - men,
too! Where your little fingers and ring fingers touch your breasts is
where the pouches are. If I am standing tall with chest out they do not
show, nor do they show in clothing, but I see them. When I go for the
nipple reconstruction, I will see if Dr. J can do a bit more nipping and
tucking there. If not, I can live with it. No problems with the Twins
when I am sleeping, either, even on my stomach. It feels as if I am lying
on a pliable soft object, which I am, and after a minute or so I don't
feel it anymore and go back to sleep. Before all this when I slept on
my own breasts on my tummy, I would sometimes have to physically move
them around to be comfortable so nothing has really changed!
March 10 - Have been very busy playing catch-up with everything
these last few days! Sunday I gardened the whole day - just like I used
to - felt just great! Planted some of my Luka's Loot (Luka's is the name
of the fantastic nursery), hauled around bags of mulch, raked, weeded
and trimmed stuff!
Monday and Tuesday went by in some kind of blur! I felt very stressed
yesterday so I put down what I was doing and went out in the garden to
rake leaves for a while to de-stress. See, I am taking my own advice!
Flavia quote: "Happiness is listening closely to the questions
of the heart." Oh, how true that one is!
Got to play nursemaid for Jennifer last night. She fell down a couple
of her stairs at home and fractured her big toe. I broke my little toe
years ago and still remember how painful it is when your toes are involved.
She came over and I babied her and fixed a big dinner and Harold fussed
over her bandages. She loved it, too, and used it for all it was worth!
She has to pick up a boot today and also see her regular doctor to be
sure it is a fracture but otherwise is in great spirits. I must say, it
felt good to be the one in the kitchen making something for an invalid
instead of being the invalid!!!!!!!!!!!
Sad news this morning. Remember a couple of months ago a friend wrote
a whole section on prostate cancer? Her husband had been diagnosed too
late so was terminal but battled it for some years. He died yesterday
so I will be going to his funeral on Saturday. I cannot imagine how my
friend must be feeling to lose her husband to cancer. So, a gentle reminder
here, do not let the men in your lives go without being tested. Jaime's
father-in-law on the other hand was detected early, was able to have the
cancer removed and his prognosis is great. As with breast cancer, early
detection is the key to survival.
Had something happen the other night that was upsetting to me as a cancer
patient. Nothing directly to me, just what wasn't told to another woman
and what was. I held my tongue (for the most part!) as these decisions
were not mine to make and the woman was having mastectomy surgery yesterday
so was not in a frame of mind to discuss things calmly. She was afraid
that she had made the wrong decision to have a mastectomy instead of a
lumpectomy. Just really wanted to be reassured by someone who had done
the mastectomy and was not regretful. That would definitely be me! I just
told her my story, she hadn't read the journals yet so I tried to give
her the short version! Of course, we got to talking and I found out that
her surgeon would not even consider taking the unaffected breast even
if the patient wanted prophylactic surgery and their insurance would cover
it! Me again! I didn't say much to that because it was not the time or
place to do so. She was already scared about being "mutilated"
and coming out of surgery with no breast so I put her mind at ease there
I believe. I asked her if her personality was defined by her breast and
of course she said, "No," so I then pointed out rather forcefully
that the breast she was worried about not having, was actually trying
to kill her! She said she had never thought of it that way. I also told
her I was not "mutilated" at all, just had a couple of thin
scars. I don't know where she got the idea she was going to be mutilated
- how terrifying to think that about an upcoming surgery! I suppose in
the direct meaning of the word according to the dictionary it may be true
- first definition - "to cut off or permanently remove an essential
part of" - well, my breasts were not cut off, just a few pieces of
skin and then just scooped out permanently, but they certainly were not
essential to me! Second definition - "to cut up or alter radically
so as to make imperfect" - again, it was definitely surgery and they
generally cut you somewhere during surgery and I do not have or ever will
have "perfect breasts" however - I didn't have perfect breasts
to begin with and now the ones I have are better and are not trying to
kill me so……………… Mutilation sounds like
an ugly word to me and there is nothing ugly about my surgery so I won't
use that word. Second part of the conversation was about reconstruction.
Her surgeon recommended to wait for a year and she is following her advice.
No problem there except……………..I find out that
the only option she was offered was a "Tram Flap" and that is
major surgery in itself! They use your own tissue, fat and muscles from
your tummy pulled up to fill the breast, but the recovery time is very
long. She was never even told about expanders and implants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mind you, I am not saying everyone has to have implants because that is
what I chose - not at all - what I am saying is everyone should be given
all the options to be able to make a wise decision that suits them! I
did speak up that time and told her to ask why she wasn't given that option.
Maybe it was for medical reasons but I still feel that should have been
explained, too, if that were the case. I can tell you that her surgeon
was a woman and no, I don't have all the facts from the surgeon's side
but I found it hard to accept what she told me especially when her surgeon
was another woman. I can also tell you that if I found out I had not been
given all the options or been told that the surgeon would not perform
the mastectomy on the second breast if I desperately wanted it that I
would most definitely find a different surgeon! It is YOUR body and YOUR
decisions! If they are not comfortable doing what you want, fine, it is
THEIR choice but should not have to be yours! Hearing things like that
make me just see red! It is probably the scariest time of your life and
you need compassion and information, not just orders! Okay, Soapbox Sue
is done for today!
Still haven't gotten my lymphedema compression sleeve! Called yesterday
to make the appointment for a fitting and the woman who does that is on
vacation and the lady on the phone wasn't sure they did custom orders!
Did she tell me that before???????? No, just said this other woman would
have to do the measuring since she was the one certified to do so! I will
with to speak with the measuring lady on Monday and if she won't so it
hopefully she can tell me who does. Geez Louise - who would have thought
this part would be so difficult!
Speaking of definitions of words - I looked up the word Intrepid this
morning as I was thinking again about my car. It is fate at work again.
My car is an Intrepid and the definition of the word is - "Characterized
by resolute fearlessness, fortitude and endurance." I think they
are probably referring to an explorer but I was on a journey of my own
with breast cancer so feel I qualify as the journey I was on required
all of the words in that definition! I must say though, that fearlessness
was not one of my characteristics then - I was very much afraid - but
went on anyway, not much choice really. I wanted to live and have the
best possible prognosis. Anyway, that is why I must keep my car - it is
indeed fate!
I continue to be surprised at how my hair is growing back. I knew of
course, that all your hair does not grow at the same rate but I have some
that is 1" and some that is ½"! Some sticks straight
up and some cannot be pried loose from my scalp it lays down so flat!
Odd to see it like that. Can't bear to cut any of it off just yet, except
the areas that peek out from under the different girls (my wigs). I am
beginning to see more movement in the hairs so have begun to hope again
that I may have a bit of curl! With my luck it will probably be awkward
"bends" instead of curls!
I also have been very tired these past few nights. Think maybe Vegas
is catching up with me! I must try and pace myself better and get into
the habit of doing so. It is just that it feels so good to feel normal
that I forget it has not been all that long and that they figure it takes
as long to recover as it did for all the treatments and surgeries. That
really puts me at the end of July!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really do not believe
it will take me that long but I will try to not overdo as I do not want
any setbacks!
March 12 - More blur days! I am finding that I have to rest or
actually take a nap in the afternoon, again! I believe my body is trying
to tell me to slow down more! I am changing my 100% back to 85% back!
Not disappointed, just aware of what my body is saying to me. I had been
running around all morning on Wednesday?, Thursday?, who knows - and I
had just finished a bunch of printing that still had to be put into packets
and shipped by Friday and I had it all stacked up in my arms in boxes
carrying it to my car. Didn't want to have to mess with taking the shopping
cart back! Paper is heavy and by the time I got to the car, I had to stop
and lean against the car and just rest before even putting the stuff in
the car! Wasn't out of breath or anything, just exhausted! I know it was
unrealistic to expect to just pick up where I left off but………..hope
springs eternal! So, I am going to slow down again and do a gradual "getting
back into the swing of things!" I did so well at Vegas and for that
week after that I thought I was fully 100%. I now feel a bit more fragile!
Perfect place for a Flavia quote: "As we turn the pages of time,
we discover hidden mysteries and triumphs in each new chapter." How
fitting to describe my journey!
Jen's Great Toe, as she has named it, is still red and the bruising has
spread but she is not in a lot of pain and going on about her business.
She is wearing my Birkenstock Clogs instead of her regular shoes as they
have so much more toe room in them. Other than that, she is just fine.
Fun news - Jaime is going to join us in Vegas next year when I go out
to teach! How fun that will be! Haven't taken a vacation (for them anyway)
all together with just the four of us since she got married! Wonder if
the hotel will give me that great suite again??????????
It's photo time! Finally! Photographer Phyllis has been busy! This week
begins the garden series. I love my garden and want to share it with all
of you. This first one is standing on my patio just outside the kitchen
sliding glass doors looking to the left. These pathways run throughout
my garden in the back. Hope you enjoy it!