Twenty-one is our "family favorite number" so maybe this week will
be exceptional for all my family! Hope so, Jaime and I could sure use it! Her
way more than me!
December 27 - Going to a party tonight - the first such outing since
July! Have to practice my social skills today, they are a bit rusty!
I must comment on something a friend and colleague of mine has done. Linda
Heller is the editor of PaintWorks, the magazine I write for and that carries
my column, Prime Your Palette (another of Linda's ideas!) We turn in our columns
and article about six months in advance so I hurried and got as far ahead as I
could in the beginning of August to give myself a cushion until I was able to
resume my duties. At that time, I thought it would be shortly after surgery and
during the times between chemo treatments. Wasn't long until I realized that was
not going to happen any time soon so Linda got in touch with another artist friend
to see if he would take over until I am able to resume and he agreed. She asked
that I write a little blurb for his first column explaining what was happening.
I did as she asked, expected it to be in the magazine and it was. What I didn't
expect was the message in her editorial. It begins with a soft "Pink Ribbon"
symbol and reads as follows: "Best Wishes to a Dear Friend….PaintWorks
columnist, Editorial Advisory Committee Member, and dear friend Margot Clark was
diagnosed with breast cancer last summer. Through surgery and follow-up treatments,
Margot has been an example of strength and an encouragement for all women. Years
ago when I first met Margot, I was deeply touched by her talent, enthusiasm, intelligence,
insightfulness, energy, and sense of humor. She's truly an incredible individual
whom I've come to admire and care for with all my heart. It was agreed that during
Margot's absence, Bob Pennycook will write and design for her column, "Prime
your Palette." I know that you, the readers, will want to wish Margot your
best. We love you Margot….hurry back soon." Well…………………I
cried and cried, am doing it again just typing it here (good kind of crying!)
and it took Harold three tries to get through reading it. I was so very touched
by her words, they did come straight from her heart………………especially
right there for everyone to read. Can you tell she, herself, is a very special
woman?
I have had messages from several readers after they received their magazine
but the most unusual one was from a woman I met when I was just in Junior High
School. We were friends all through Junior High (John D. Pierce Junior High) and
High School (Waterford Kettering High School, both located in Waterford, Michigan)
and after graduation for awhile but then we lost touch. Last time I saw her was
at my tenth year High School Reunion and that was a long time ago! She wrote and
said she has been following my career all these years and read about my illness
in the magazine! I often wondered if anyone from my past ever read the magazine
and realized it was me in there. How fun that was!
Party was very nice, we only stayed about an hour and a half. Amazing how much
energy it takes to be social!
December 28 - Nice day, took a nap this afternoon and then went to church
with Jen this evening. Enjoyed myself again. Have decided it is like going to
a Christian Concert since they have such great music and there is a lot of it.
They started playing a very twangy, hard rock sounding beginning to a song and
Jen turned to me and said "That's your kind of music!" It was, too,
I felt like dancing! Their sermons are delivered by two preachers, one is the
music director, so you get a lot of info but it is divided up between the two
of them and the second preacher has a great sense of humor so it is actually fun
to listen to his message. Again, I was not quite ready for it all to end - amazing!
December 29 - I did it! I wore the red sequined tassels to the doctor!
Before I went, I stuffed them with tissue - glued it right in there (they are
cone shaped) as I will never have anything that will fit in there! Even when the
nipple reconstruction is complete I will just be rounded (new boobs are made from
chest muscles, remember) so had to make a flat surface so they would stick on.
I tried various ways of attaching them to my "breast mounds," the latex
adhesive that came with them was useless, they assumed you would have more "surface"
to adhere them to! Ended up using the sticky "Top Stick" tape I bought
to adhere my wigs to my bald head before I got the gel band. Something very ironic
in using wig tape to stick on sequined tassels to my boobs! Anyway, in the doctor's
office I put them on, then put on the pink paper vest and calmly waited for Dr.
J to come in. Are you getting a mental picture here? I had brought art stuff for
him so did have other "Show and Tell", too so when he asked me how I
was, I said, "Fine and I brought Show and Tell." He said that he had
brought some photos of his art work to show me so he had Show and Tell, too. I
thought to myself, "You have no idea about my Show and Tell." He said
to lay back and he went to get my "fill" stuff. I kept my arms positioned
so he didn't notice that I had pointy boobs - that would be especially unusual
with old Leaky Louise who was half the size of Hard Rock Hannah! Anyway, he is
just talking away, setting up the fill stuff and then he hands me the saline bag
and opens the vest. Well, need I say he was surprised! I said, "Look what
Jennifer got Harold and I for Christmas!" He laughed and then said, "One
is sliding off." Sure enough, the wig tape apparantly holds wigs in place
but is not meant for tassels! The one on the right was slowly sliding down towards
my arm! The moral here is find a doctor that has a good sense of humor! Got my
fill, got dressed and then he showed me the photos of his glass fusing. It really
was gorgeous. I brought him fired glass colors to try as he said he was having
trouble with what he was using. Brought in a magazine where my glass design was
on the cover - that was fun! We talked about art for about twenty minutes, that
was fun, too. Have never done that before. By the way, lest you are thinking "Oh,
poor Harold………..let me assure you that both he and Jennifer were
in on this and they both called me on my cell phone after the visit to see what
the reaction was!
Anyway, surgery is still scheduled for January 16th, will get my implants and
liposuction under both arms and a bit of nipping and tucking after all. I had
told him that I still couldn't go without a jacket of some sort because of the
"extra nipples" and of course they are on Leaky Louise so were visible
most of the time through my clothing. Also have various lumpy areas on Hard Rock
Hannah. No bra still! No bra ever! Am pleased about the nipping and tucking, as
they will begin to look more like "real boobs" after the swelling goes
down after surgery. Have to stop taking all aspirin products for the next two
weeks in preparation for the surgery. No more fills until the week of surgery
and then it will be most everyday. I sure hope the implants are more comfortable
than these expanders. No matter what, I will get used to them.
From there on to the post office, to Target where I just wandered around since
I haven't been shopping in forever (I was supposed to be getting dog and cat food
from PetSmart next door) and found lots of stuff I just couldn't live without!
Did go get the pet food. On to Office Max for a ton of printing, then to Publix
(grocery store). Left my house at 2:45 p.m. and got home at 8:00 p.m.! Was exhausted!
I'm sure I will pay for this tomorrow!
December 30 - Feeling odd tonight. Feel like weeping but don't exactly
know why. Am I afraid at what 2004 will bring? Am I just so tired of being tired
and sore? What will be the new normal? Can I handle it for the long run? I feel
sure the cancer I had is gone, but…did any of those dreaded cells escape
the surgery and chemo? Will I get it somewhere else later? I don't like being
a "cancer patient" at all! I'm truly sick and tired of being bald. Now
my eyebrow hairs are breaking off - I suppose that is not a bad thing since they
were all bristly and thin anyway but I want all my hair back everywhere! That's
done it, now I am weeping! Crap! Would really like to be more specific with my
word but I am trying to keep this clean!
The day was actually okay, so much to do that I have gotten behind in with
all the surgeries and chemo. Had to nap this afternoon - the old "bones turning
to Jell-O" thingee. Now have to prepare for another surgery. I do want to
get on with things but dread another surgery and recovery time. New persona -
Complaining Carla! It's true, I feel whiney and weepy and generally in a bad,
crappy mood.
Harold and I gave each other haircuts today. He is keeping his very short now
that he cut it all off and found he liked it. I had two dark hairs about one inch
long and about five lighter hairs about one half inch long, the rest was varying
lengths of stubble. Just wanted it evened out. Got a little tiny ball of fluff
from the clippers. That was it. Harold says my hair is growing but I don't see
it at all. I think he is trying to be kind.
Think I will just go to bed so this crappy day will be over.
December 31 - Better today, I am sure you are all glad to hear that!
Had to cut my walk short this morning, just don't have the stamina yet. Bought
a yoga tape on my Target outing, now to look at it and try it. I am great at thinking
about exercising! Doing it is the hard part!
Worked like a crazy person on my house today. Seems important to me that I
bring in the New Year with a nice clean house! Didn't need a nap but did need
some "sit down right now" rest periods. That's progress - at least I
stayed awake!
Spoke to Jaime today and she finally feels normal! Said it was the first morning
she woke up without a mouthful of blood! Really hope all that helps with her health
problems. I think I would rather have chemo than go through what she did. I just
felt bad!
Talked to my sister, Tina, in New York today and told her about the tassel
episode. I barely got started and she started to laugh and the more I told her
the harder she was laughing, then I started to laugh, too, so by the time I ended
my story we were both hysterical!
Tina's daughter had Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma some years ago and we were comparing
notes. She said that Selina would also say, "I have to sit down, NOW!"
One minute she was fine and the next she had "Jell-O Bones!" Tina also
said that once the "peach fuzz' on the head appears the hair really starts
to grow. I will definitely like that part!
We are just staying at home tonight. We always do as we feel it is the safest
place to be!
January 1, 2004 - Happy New Year! Hope this is the best one ever! As
far as I am concerned - good riddance to 2003! Hope I never have another year
as dreadful as 2003! My whole family feels the same way!
Made a nice dinner last night, Harold promptly fell asleep after. I then had
a wonderful whirlpool bath in my new Jacuzzi tub in my partially finished guest
bath, complete with candles and a good book. It was heaven. Around eleven I made
some chocolate chip cookies and had cookies and milk (aren't I the party animal!).
At 11:59 I woke Harold up so he could usher in the New Year with me.
Going to work out in my garden today for as long as I can. One of the niceties
of living in Florida. Jen is coming over for dinner. Usually we put a dime in
the pot of black-eyed peas and whoever gets the dime had good luck for the coming
year. Jen thinks I got the dime last year and based on my "journey"
she says "No thanks" to trying for the dime this year! I'm with her!
Just having the three of us for dinner this year. Feel fine but not up to entertaining
just yet.
January 2 - Harold is going out of town for work today, won't be back
until tomorrow night so Jen a and I are going to go out to dinner, just the two
of us. No Wings tonight, think we will do sushi instead (cooked of course) since
Harold hates it and we love it! So nice to have no restrictions anymore! I am
a free bird!
I did work outside yesterday for hours! Mowed the lawn (mostly to take up the
fallen leaves) weeded, edged the driveway and sidewalk and swept and raked. I
kept thinking, "when am I going to give out?" but I didn't, just got
tired by the time I was finished which would be pretty normal anyway. Went inside
and……. "Jell-O Bones! No nap though, just a rest period. Was tired
the rest of the evening but not too bad. Yeah!
Okay, where is my hair? If I am supposed to have fuzz by February things better
get moving!
In the weekly tradition of pictures the photo this week is of Darlin" Jennifer!
Such a sweetie she is - always there when I need her. Isn't she just gorgeous!
No bias here!
As always, love to you all!
Margot a.k.a. - Leaky Louise (still pumped up for now, though!), Greta Gardener
(so glad to have her back!), Hard Rock Hannah, Tired Tina (not so much anymore
though), Hopeful Hannah (I know, I have two Hannah's now but Hard Rock Hannah
will soon be replaced by one of the Perky Twins, I think Dolly, so they can share
the name for now). Brenda Braveheart is still resting, may need her for just a
bit when I go in for the implant surgery, but for now she is still on vacation!
After reading through the updates, if you have any questions please email
me