November 29 - Saturday - three days after last treatment. Well………..when
I left off on Friday I was doing fairly well and had high hopes of not feeling
badly. I sent that out on Friday morning and by one o'clock (the magic time it
seems) I was starting to go downhill. Started feeling really bad but still not
absolutely dreadful. Slept, rallied a bit in the evening, stayed up until 2 a.m.
to take the Zofran, I was awake anyway, and went to bed feeling yukky. No actual
nausea just the quivering stomach thingee.
This morning felt halfway decent, spoke to a friend on the phone and by guess
what time?????? - one o'clock on the nose - I was beginning to feel really dreadful.
In the afternoon I actually felt like I was going unconscious from the fatigue!
I didn't, but that is the closest I have ever come to passing out without actually
doing it! Scared me a bit but it didn't happen again. Still no action in the bowels
department either since Wednesday. Beginning to get worried I will have another
dreadful round with constipation, my nemesis through all this! Tried the sugar
free candy route but nothing happened. I think probably because this constipation
is drug induced. The chemo does it to me and then the Zofran for nausea can cause
constipation so I am double whammied. Have taken two stool softeners morning and
night beginning Thursday and had been taking them in the evening since last Friday
to keep my body in sync! This does not bode well! I tool two Dulcolax (the doctors
and nurses fondly call this brand of laxative "the cannon!") tonight
before going to bed. Hopefully, it will work by morning and I can relax a bit.
Weepy Wanda has taken up residence on my shoulder it seems. I cried and cried
when I took the laxative, went out on the patio and mumbled to myself - "I
hate this! I'm so tired of feeling bad, hurting, looking funny and now I have
to take more stuff to make me feel even worse!"
See………..I am definitely not cheerful all the time!
November 30 - Sunday - Felt bad from the beginning today. Oh yea! I
know I am sick when I cannot seem to get warm. I had on a hat to keep my little
bald head warm, long pants, a shirt, a robe, socks and two blankets all day. You
know - even the thought that this was the last time didn't help. I just want it
all to go away…………. Waited until the magic hour of one and
still no action from the Dulcolax so took two more and cried again at having to
do so. As you can tell, Weepy Wanda has a firm grip on me this time. Cripes -
the doctor puts poison in from the outside then my body is trying to poison me
from the inside! If this second dose of the laxative doesn't work I will have
to call the doctor in the morning and Lord knows what he will recommend - something
even nastier I am sure. I DO NOT want to end up in the hospital over this! I had
heard that the third treatment was the worst…………they lied!
This one has the others beat hands down for being the worst!
Sunday afternoon:
Well, everyone will be so pleased to know that the constipation problem is gone.
I tell you, if someone had told me six months ago that I would be telling the
world of my bowel habits I would have laughed them off the face of the earth!
I am definitely not the only one who obsesses over this during chemo. I have had
countless letters from people who have suffered through the constipation or through
diarrhea of the same severity. Its all you can think of because if you can't control
it the hospital is the next step and no one wants to go there if they don't have
to! Within a couple of hours I could tell I was beginning to feel better all over
though, because I got hot (oh yea, the hot flashes are back - I am getting definitely
getting better) and had to remove about fifteen of my layers to cool off! Went
to bed feeling bad but not as bad as I have been so I think I am on the rise to
recovery, finally! You know how they say time flies? Well, these last few days
have had triple the amount of hours in them. I thought they would never end!
Won't you be glad when I get in a better mood! I really would like to rip something
to shreds and scream at the top of my lungs like a howling wolf!
December 1 - So far so good. I actually woke this morning thinking of
other things besides how bad I felt! Yea! Yippee! Hurray! Cannot believe Christmas
is this month. It may have to go on without me this year.
Since I am still not very cheerful I will tackle a subject that is not cheerful
either but still very important. A friend of mine's husband has prostate cancer
and she had asked me to write in my journal to remind all of you to have the men
in your family go to the doctor regularly to be checked. I told her I would but
invited her to write a bit about it from her point of view since she is living
it, so you would "really know" the dangers. Here is her story:
"Just as Margot and so many other women are fighting breast cancer, many
men are being diagnosed with prostate cancer. It may seem there is an epidemic
of these cancers, but I think it is more likely better diagnostic procedures.
My husband is one of those prostate cancer patients. Just as we need to be diligent
in our protection of ourselves with self exams and mammograms, we also need to
be diligent in protecting the men in our lives against prostate cancer. The first
step is to make sure the doctors request PSA tests during the blood tests for
his annual exam.
Prostate cancer is in our family and has been for over 10 years. I asked all
the questions I knew to ask of my husband's family (they prefer not to talk about
"those things"). They never mentioned PSA tests. I provided our doctor
with the family history. He never ran a PSA test on my husband and I didn't know
what PSA was until we changed doctors. The new doctor included that test with
his first exam and it came back at the level of 1492. When they told us, we asked,
"what is PSA?" It is a measure of prostate specific antigens in a man's
blood stream. As it turns out, a level of 4 is considered to be high. We were
in trouble.
My husband's cancer is advanced and cannot be cured. Had anyone in his family
ever asked me, "What is his PSA?", I would have made sure the test was
run. Prostate cancer is curable if found in the early stages. Many doctors don't
test until a man is in his late 50's. It is up to us to make sure that they test
earlier! My husband was 59 at diagnosis and must have had prostate cancer for
some time for it to be so advanced. Even if a man must have surgery, they have
"nerve sparing" techniques now that help to avoid the problems of incontinence
and impotence.
Within two weeks of my husband's diagnosis, both of my boys who are in their
mid-30's had PSA tests. The younger one is 35 and is showing an elevated level.
He had to go for a biopsy and is ok. However, they will watch him very closely
from now on. More and more young men are getting prostate cancer. Don't wait!
Insist doctors run these tests. They are cheap. Pay for them yourself if your
insurance won't cover it at younger ages.
I wish I could write with such charm and wit as Margot, but with our situation,
it is impossible for me to do so. My mission now is to help others avoid this
situation by helping to educate women about prostate cancer. Men won't protect
themselves...they feel invincible. Don't lose your men needlessly. Talk to your
daughters. Help me make this a subject that women know about and let's work together
to save our men from prostate cancer."
Pretty sobering isn't it. Harold has gone for that test once a year for many
years so I am happy to be able to report that info on a positive note.
December 2 - Not too bad today! Crazy sleep habits are still with me
but I'm not going anywhere so it doesn't matter. Had Ann come one more time to
clean - such a luxury - and took a nap as soon as she got here then needed another
in the evening but just felt really tied, not sick. Tired, I can handle! Please
remember house cleaning as a great gift for someone going through chemo. Knowing
my house is in order is such a comforting thing.
Jaime and Co. (my daughter and her family in Dallas) sent me a dozen red and
white roses to celebrate the end of the chemo - what a treat! A note here that
has absolutely nothing to do with the BC Journals. Jaime has just returned form
teaching in Houston and this time she stayed over with a dear friend, Linda, whom
I have known for over thirty years. Jaime and her daughter, Tricia, used to play
together and Jaime stayed with Linda when I was giving birth to Jennifer. We moved
apart when the girls were about eight and Linda hasn't seen Jaime since then.
Well, proud mamma here, Jaime is now the Reverend Dr. Jaime Clark-Soles, a beautiful,
confident woman and a far cry from the gangly eight year old that Linda remembered.
They stayed up talking until almost five a.m.! Linda will be visiting me in the
near future and is looking forward to seeing "baby Jen" again as she
still calls her since she was only two when we left for Bermuda. She has seen
her once as a teenager on a visit here but not as a woman. Jen is also a beautiful,
successful, professional woman in the commercial insurance field (am I proud of
my daughters or what!) so Linda is in for another treat when she gets to spend
some time with Jen.
Off tomorrow to take Leaky Louise in to Dr. J for a fill. The "Fix a Flat"
didn't work and she is in need of pumping up! Since chemo is OVER I will probably
now go back to obsessing over my boobs! They sort of took a backseat to the chemo.
So now life is planned around "fill" visits and impending implant surgery.
This part will be tedious and will make me sore but not sick! An added bonus,
the fact that I enjoy sparring with Dr. J and love his office staff, makes these
doctor visits actually enjoyable. Thank heavens! I have heard so many stories
of doctors who are good at the reconstruction but have no bedside manner whatsoever
and those women did not enjoy their visits. You do see a lot of the plastic surgeon
so taking time to find one that is compassionate as well as competent would be
a very good thing! Also, take in their attitude towards the reconstruction. Some
doctors view it solely as reconstruction of breast mounds after mastectomy surgery
(which it is) but leave out the aesthetic part that is the most important part
to the woman in my opinion. They figure it is not an elective "boob job,"
to enhance your looks so the same rules don't apply. Sorry, it is most definitely
a "boob job," just not elective, and the same rules should most definitely
apply!
December 3 - What a wonderful day!!!!!!!!!!! No whining or complaining
today! Got up, felt fine, got ready and went to get Leaky Louise filled. No fill
today because………………………….we scheduled
the implant surgery instead!!!!!!!!! Yea! Yippee! Hurray! I can't go next week
for a fill because it is my LAST week of restriction so he felt there was no point
in filling ole' Leaky today. There is no evidence of scar tissue buildup and everything
on the left is "soft" and he was pleased. So, dear readers, on January
16th at 1:30 p.m. Leaky Louise and Hard Rock Hannah will be replaced by the Perky
Twins - Polly and Dolly! Beginning December 17th I will go every week and a half
for a fill just to keep the chest muscle stretched, not once a week like I have
been and then the week of surgery I will go Monday, Wednesday and Thursday and
pre-register for surgery after my fill on Thursday and then show up at the hospital
on Friday! He will also remove the port at that time so I will avoid having to
have an additional surgery. It will be twilight anesthesia, he will go in through
the mastectomy scars so I won't have any new scars and I will go home after the
surgery. New boobs and no port! He will also do a bit of liposuction on the right
under my arm but wants to wait to do the left side until he does the nipple reconstruction
and "nipping and tucking" which should be in April sometime. At least
my boobs will be even (more or less) for Vegas. Will still have my extra nipples
on the left side and will still have my lumps and bumps on both sides as well
as my extra boob under the left arm but hey - progress is being made! Needless
to say I was jazzed when I left his office! Went to the post office, then to the
grocery store. Was gone about four hours and was tired when I got home but not
exhausted. Was all dressed up and wanted to go out to dinner to celebrate so Harold
and I went to a little Italian place near us and had a really good meal. Came
home and still no nap so I am hoping tonight will regulate my sleep patterns.
Think about all this - last week at this time I had just finished up my chemo
treatment and had all those miserable days yet to come and today - only a week
later - I am feeling really good! Our bodies are just so amazing!
Don't tell Harold but I got flirted with today! Fun stuff , not smarmy. Had
on Sophisticated Sophia, a nice outfit and heels so I felt attractive and I was
so happy I guess it showed. I'm very lop-sided in the boob department but I guess
he didn't notice that - probably the blonde bombshell wig threw him off! Older
gentleman and very polite but hey - it sent my ego through the roof! Let me tell
you that was a dose of really good medicine when you know how you really look
underneath all that glamour stuff. Have decided that the grey hair must go. I
was content with it but have had way too many compliments in my various wigs to
go back to just being content so watch out when I get my "real" hair
back! You know, I did ask for red and curly (was brown, grey and straight as a
board) so will just have to see what I do end up with. How fun to be excited about
stuff again!
Must also begin to diet and exercise in earnest after my recuperating period
is over from the chemo treatment. Can't have my fat roll competing with the new
Perky Twins for prominence, now can I? I will dig out all that stuff from the
nutritionist and begin to share that info with you when I begin. I am not supposed
to diet yet so I will be patient. I can resume my walking and begin stomach exercises
though. One step at a time!
December 4 - I mowed the lawn! I live in Florida, remember, and that
takes the place of raking up the leaves or shoveling snow. Had to stop and rest
twice but I did it! Of course, I then had to nap for two hours but it was worth
it! Just took it easy the rest of the day. Pacing myself will be the hardest thing
I will have to do from now on. On a conscious level I KNOW I am not at 100% and
won't be for quite a while. But I FEEL good so it is hard not to go about a normal
schedule. Just think - last week at this time I was feeling really rotten so I
know progress is being made!
I must pass along a gift idea for someone going through this. A friend called
and her sister-in-law is getting ready to have a double mastectomy just like I
did. She wanted to send a gift basket and wanted to know what to put in it. I
suggested a stick of BodyGlide (where to get it is located under the Helpful Hints)
since her skin is going to be so very sensitive for the next two months and that
stuff was a godsend to me. Keeps your clothing from rubbing against your delicate,
sensitive, skin. Also a couple of satin camisoles (can be worn inside out under
a jacket as the silky side does not chafe the skin) in a size larger than she
would usually wear so they can slide down her arms over her head without having
to tug on them. A couple of silky pajama tops that button because there will be
the drains to deal with for a week or so after surgery. And some really feminine
bath things for when you can finally take a bath or shower after surgery. This
lady had to have chemo first to shrink the tumor to an operable size so has already
lost her hair. Now she will lose her breasts. You are definitely not feeling your
feminine best at this point so a reminder of your femininity is a really nice
thing. Anybody want to add to the basket contents?
Cooked dinner myself tonight -first time in over a week. Just tacos, nothing
elaborate and Jen was here to help clean up. Still and all, it felt normal and
I am really into normal these days!
December 5 - Feel fine, just tired. Off to Wings tonight before my last
round of restriction begins tomorrow. Nothing else to report - just poking along
today so I will show you my Romantic Rose persona this time. Remember, this is
the one Dr. J said looked like Harlot Hannah! Does not - she is sweet! Can't you
just see her in lace and floral fabrics?
The best to you all and enjoy the holidays!
Margot a.k.a. Brenda Braveheart Warrior Queen (still need her till the 24th)
and Happy Holly (new persona for the holidays!)
After reading through the updates, if you have any questions please email
me