Update 26
January 31 - Very, very sore today. Must have overdone the lifting
yesterday by going to the grocery store and Office Max. Tylenol Extra
Strength seemed to help. I am so tired of being sore. I have been in some
stage of soreness every single day since August and I want it to just
stop! I know it will someday, but Geez Louise, I am fed up with being
sore! Looks like Complaining Clara is still got a foothold with me!
February 1 - Soreness a bit better today. Shaved my "sideburns"
off so the dark area won't show under my wigs. Feeling odd lately. Seems
I don't have any direction but then…..I don't really feel like doing
much of anything except puttering around my house and garden and taking
a nap when I am tired. I guess I am allowed to feel that way; it is just
that I used to be a bit crazy with the energy and all I had to do. Maybe
that feeling won't come back and I'm not sure that wouldn't really be
a "good thing!"
An observation - I know I didn't look pale in my photos while on chemo
but realized today that I actually did lose color because I don't have
to wear lipstick anymore. My lips were very pale but I didn't realize
it at the time. I usually only wore a Chapstick type lip conditioner before
and I thought I needed the lipstick because of the red wig but since the
color has come back in my lips, I see that was where the chemo paleness
appeared. How odd.
February 2 - Ole' Weepy Wanda visited me last night as I went
to bed. I am afraid. Next week I go to see the oncologist for the first
time since stopping chemo treatments. This will be the first time a test
will be run to se if I am still okay. Doubts are trying to sneak in -
what if it comes back? What will I do? I know people have handled cancer
multiple times but I don't want to be one of them! Where is this coming
from??????? I made it through all the really hard stuff and now I try
to slide down in the pit of despair over "what if"??????? Don't
know that I need Brenda Braveheart back but I do need to pull myself up
by the bootstraps and stop thinking like this! Am I going to do this every
three months or will I get used to it? Lordy - this is forever that I
have to be tested. Every 3-4 months for the rest of my life! On one hand
I am truly grateful that someone is watching out for me and testing me
even if it is forever and on the other hand I am resentful that I have
to do it at all! New persona seems to have taken hold - Whining Whitney!
February 3 - Better today (I'm sure you are all glad to her that!)
Hair report - I have very full (and very short!) hair! The areas I thought
were still very thin turn out to be just white!!!!!!!!!!! Oh yea. I have
a "skunk stripe" right down the middle of the top of my head!
No wonder I can still see pink scalp through! The rest of it except for
a few more patches of white is very dark brown. Okay, there is a bright
side to this. When I am ready for the red hair dye, I will have "multi-tonal"
color without having to do a second highlighting step! My "hair"
actually lays over in a pattern that might not be too bad when it is longer.
As soon as I can spike it with hair gel and have it look similar to Sassy
Simone, I will go out in public without a wig - not before. That vanity
thingee in action! When I have enough to compare, I will get out "bag
o' hair" from when I was saving it as it fell out and then when I
finally just shaved it off, to see if there is a color difference. It
was skunk stripe silver and dark before with a blending of salt and pepper
but I don't remember the dark part being quite this dark. Eyelashes still
filling in but no longer than before - hey, I wanted really long, full
eyelashes this time! Eyebrow hair is growing, too, still a bit stiff and
short at the outer arcs. And, yeeeeesssss, "other" areas are
filling in slowly to, so all is on schedule.
February 4 - Newsy News here! I went for my morning walk with
only headphones on my little, now hairy, head! First time I have ventured
out of my yard with nothing on my head. My head is dark enough so that
you might assume I cut my hair really, really, really short instead of
looking like a chemo patient! Progress!
Went to Office Max where I printed 2200 sheets of paper, 265 color copies,
bought 400 sheet protectors, 15 sheets of black poster board, 5 reams
of plain copy paper (it was on sale!) and 6 sheets of foam core board.
Came home, hauled all that heavy paper stuff into the studio (I was careful!)
and assembled all the printing into 265 individual packets for my Vegas
classes, cut up the poster board into 120 individual sheets, and turned
the foam core board into 12 large demo boards! Now I have to basecoat
the demo boards, apply the enlarged patterns and pack it all up and get
it shipped out of here by Friday! Was just a wee bit tired and extra sore
tonight. No surprise there, but not too bad really.
February 5 - Out to lunch with my friend, Patte, we went to a
new tea shop but they were closed for a private party for the Red Hat
Society. Must look into society that one of these days, sounds like fun!
The owner let us in to look around and it was just gorgeous. We went to
Chili's instead and while we were eating and talking Patte was telling
me about the woman on the Sex in the City TV program that is going through
breast cancer and then we both ended up teary eyed! That kind of stuff
hits home when you know someone close to you going through it. She did
say that she always compared what was happening there to what I wrote
in my journals!
February 6 - Weepy Wanda today, big time, but not for me!!!!!!!!!
I have been corresponding with a woman in California and we have been
running parallel on a lot of things. Same surgery, as a matter of fact
she had her mastectomies on the same day I had my implant surgery. I just
found out this morning that she will begin the same chemo regimen as I
had on the very day I go for my first cancer check-up! I just wept for
her as she begins the next leg of her own journey. I did feel better knowing
that she knew just what to expect when going in for the chemo treatments.
She had gone back over the BC Journals and then asked if there was anything
else she could do to get through with as few side effects as possible.
I wrote up a two page listing of what I felt helped get me through and
sent it to her and it will also be put on the website under the "Helpful
Hints or What I Wish I had Known" section for easier reference.
Then another friend sent me an update on "M". She now has to
endure an extra two day long chemo treatment and right now she has not
been able to go back to work due to the extreme fatigue caused by the
treatments she has already had. My heart just breaks for her. The rewards
for having surgery and chemo to save your life and give you a future are
fantastic but the costs on your body and mind are so high! I pray nightly
for a cure to be found soon.
I am still sore! Seems to be just hanging around now. No better, no worse.
I imagine I will wake up one day and realize I am not sore anymore - that
will be a very good day for sure!
Tried on one of my old bras this morning just to see how it fit. Width
wise it was okay but I am so rounded in front and so firm and perky that
the tissue does not squish into the bra like before and the very front
was empty! And……..it was so uncomfortable!!!!!!!!!! I renew
my vow never to wear one again! IF and I say IF in big capital
letters, I were to ever buy a bra for whatever reason (cannot think of
one at the moment) it would have to be one that conformed to my shape,
not my shape conforming to the shape of the bra cups! So………if
anyone out there wants a whole batch of Bali 38C Industrial Satin bras,
just let me know! Some are brand new because guess what I bought a bunch
of just before I found out I had breast cancer? Bras, of course!
Did get all that stuff shipped off, all except the big demo boards, just
ran out of time. I can carry them in my luggage though so no problem.
Off to Wings and then Starbucks with Harold and Jen for a nice, perfectly
normal evening!
February 7 - I know I am late with the Journals this week. So
much to do! Will probably be tomorrow before I can finish and send this
out.
Went to my painting chapter's meeting this morning for the first time
in a couple of years! Have always been out of town or if I am in town,
was enjoying being home on a Saturday. Everyone was very glad to see me
and I was so very glad to see them again. A friend and chapter member
has been keeping them informed of my progress but I know it is good to
actually see for yourself that someone is fine. Introduced them to the
Twins and made sure that they knew those perky girls were on their own
with no help from a bra! Jealousy abounded! Couldn't stay long as I had
a birthday party lunch to go to for some other friends with Harold. Had
a really good time, the host is an avid gardener himself so I came home
with a bag of grapefruit from his tree and some lilies to transplant into
my own garden! Came home, went over to Jen's to help her hang pictures
on her walls and just chat. Home and now to bed at 9 p.m.! Cannot stay
awake any longer. A wonderful, full, completely normal day! I know I must
get enough rest so I can keep being normal so am trying to be good about
getting enough sleep!
February 8 - Well finally I am finishing up this week's entries.
Up at 5 a.m. this morning raring to go! Will finish here with the journals
while it is still dark and then outside I go! Supposed to be about 65
degrees today so will be cool but that is just fine with me. I will be
outside in my garden! Still wearing my glove on my left hand to prevent
any type of infection to prevent any lymphedema from occurring. Remember,
that is for always. Lymph nodes don't grow back! I was asked at the meeting
yesterday if it really was forever that I would have to be careful of
carrying heavy stuff and flying with a compression sleeve. Yup! Forever.
All those precautions are truly not a big deal to me, the big deal would
be an attack of lymphedema!!!!!!!!!!
By the way, I seem to be okay now with the upcoming oncologist's appointment.
It just "IS" and will be another "forever" in my life
so…………..onward!
 Photo
of the Week……………introducing The Perky Twins!
You can see Dolly first in the photo and Polly is just peeking out! Are
they not perky!
Good health and happiness to you all!
Love,
Margot and the Twins
After reading through the updates,
if you have any questions please email
me
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